What is Normal?

Normal - 1 a : according with, constituting, or not deviating from anorm, rule, or principle b : conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern
2 : occurring naturally and not because of disease, inoculation, or anyexperimental treatment <normal immunity>
3 a : of, relating to, or characterized by average intelligence or development b : free from mental disorder : SANE c : characterized by balanced well-integrated functioning of the organism as a whole
4a of a solution : having a concentration of one gram equivalent of solute per liter b : containing neither basic hydrogen nor acid hydrogen <normalphosphate of silver> c : not associated <normal molecules> d : having a straight-chain structure <normal pentane> <normal butylalcohol> —nor·mal·ly /'nor-m&-lE/ adverb

This is the Medical definition of normal. Something of which I have no clear memory of feeling...normal (especially medically speaking). As early as I can remember for the most part, I have always felt abnormal, defective, and broken. Recently, through a long process of inventorying my thoughts, feelings, actions, and reactions I realized how key this thought process has been a part of decisions I make, resentments I fester, excuses I use, and judgments I make. I have always thought that somewhere, somehow God messed up. And through this inventory recently, I have just barely touched on how to start approaching/thinking/viewing this abnormality in a different light. Easier said than done, right?

But oddly enough (as has actually always been the truth with my diabetes), the more I have learned to embrace my abnormality/defectiveness the more it has LESS control over my thoughts, feelings, and actions. It has been very backwards from what I would have thought. I thought that staying in denial, keeping it on the back burner, would make it less of an impairment or struggle in my everyday life.

About 10 years ago, I went on the insulin pump for my Diabetes. It took my A1C's from in the 13's to now in the lower 7s. It is recommended lower, but 7s isn't too bad. And recently, I sat in a Diabetes Exercise and Sports Association Support Group where this guy (I think I may have already blogged about this, but oh, well) said his doctor said, "I wish all diabetics worked as hard at it as you do." And his response was, "We do all work hard...ALL of us." Even those who may appear to not, still have to take shots daily, and test occasionally and feel like crud a lot, whereas non-diabetics don't have to work at that at all. I was so empowered to hear that. We do work hard...and the technology is what helps us work SMARTer.

So, after hearing about the Real Time System (which monitors the blood sugar every 5 minutes and reads it to my pump), I decided to try for it. I wasn't sure if my insurance would cover it since it expires at the end of August, but I thought, "Why not just try for it anyways. The worst they can say is no." JUST SHOW UP. So, last Monday I went out on a limb with my parents, and asked them to help out financially to make it happen. They both eagerly wanted to help. I called the Medtronic rep....she started out on a quick course. By Thursday, I was hooked up to a blind test "transmitter" as I called it to see if my blood sugars were "bad" enough to warrant needing it. And unhooked my transmitter on Sunday right after my 15K.

Oh, did I mention that my blood sugars on Thursday and Friday were so perfect they almost looked made up. I never thought I'd be bothered about good blood sugars. Well, sure enough Saturday night I ate a meal I think I incorrectly bolused for (insulin for food eaten rather than just the insulin that carries me throughout the day), and then ended up super high and then bolused for the high and got super low at midnight then high and then low...the infamous roller coaster that makes me want to hang in the highs. And all that the night before my first 15K (9.3 miles) ever!!!

Lynne, my Medtronic rep, said that if it didn't work with this insurance, we could try with the next. I knew I had already met my deductible, so hoping to see if it is cheaper now or later. We worked on cleaning the house today, and then set out to go FedEx the "transmitter" and it's charger to Lynne so she could send it to the insurance company to prove I needed it. By the time we got home from going to FedEx, wouldn't you know it...Ed from Medtronic was calling for my shipping information!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT?!?!?! I hadn't even mailed it yet. The good Lord has been working all along as I was "just showin' up". Oy, vey...I can't quit crying today...I just wept in my kitchen. The thoughts that raced through my head after the phone call were, "I never thought being hooked up to a pump and transmitter would feel so normal." "I had no idea how much I would be grateful (not even entitled) for getting to be normal." "Normal-what is normal....today, I am...I am normal." And all this is possible, because I just keep "showin' up."

Well, I couldn't even post the exciting news about my 15K until I got that out of the way. I never ever thought that on May 24th what was an inkling of a thought about doing something 4 months off would turn into this journey.

Sunday, I completed my very first 15K...which is the super fancy and much more interesting way of saying 9.3 miles, which gosh, dog still sounds pretty crazy. Last week, my training partner and I walked around White Rock Lake for 9.3 miles (in 3h 7m 7s), but it was at a slow comfortable pace (something like 21 minute miles), and it was all about finishing. This week we were trying for a small time improvement.

Dina (our friend) joined us on our walk. She walked with Brandie at the last H&H Event for the 5K when I did the 10K. And Dina, Brandie, and I all traded off on pushing D (Brandie's son) in the stroller. He did great, but I learned quickly why Brandie gets on to him for squirming around. Any small movement, and the stroller becomes about 25% harder to push. He did great and was a real trooper for the walk. Dina only did the 10K, and she graciously offered to stay with D while Brandie and I finished the last 5K without the stroller (or D). In order to make the course more manageable for the water stops and the medics, the H&H crew suggested we do the 10K course first, then walk back past the finish line to add another 5K which essentially required us to pass the finish line (and small crowd) about 3 times before even finishing the race. I think this was tougher on my training partner than it was on me, as I was just excited to complete my first ever 15K. I appreciated the cheers and was glad to see people when we had only seen trees otherwise.

The first 10K were wonderful, achievable, invigorating, and I loved the conversations! But the next 5K seemed to be a definite new challenge for both my training partner and myself, but in very different ways. Brandie asked me to not talk to her once we reached the sunny part, and I quickly realized some things about my walking styles...with people versus alone.

I learned that when I am alone, I go fast, and I maintain my posture, my arms at 90 degree angles, my feet rolling, and my hips rotating in a much better position, but I also need my music and distractions when I am alone. I tend to go pretty fast when I am alone, but I don't mind giving that up for walking with other people. When I am with other people, I love the conversation, I enjoy talking, and I am charged by the conversation, even if I am tired or stressed. When I am wanting to quit, just being around someone pushes me through. Quality time is definitely my number 1 love language. But it can also be a distraction.

So after about a torturous mile of not talking (I felt like my daughter probably feels when we ask her to quit talking...I was just dieing to talk), a new friend Brenda came down the trail towards us to get the 5K turn around sign. I picked it up since I called Libby and we were the last on the 5K trail. Brenda carried it and talked with me the rest of the way back. She had read my H&H bio and we talked about diabetes. She works with diabetics, and I really enjoyed talking to her.

At the end, D was screaming for his mama, and it was very precious. He was so proud!!! What an awesome memory! We finished up in a pretty good time (one easier for me to beat than my 10K was) and by the time we did the math, we realized if we go at that same rate, we will be able to finish the Half Marathon in under 4 hours which is when the course closes (although Paula and Libby said they'd hold it open for us) and a personal goal for ourselves.

CAUTION - PROCEED WITH CAUTION
The below paragraphs contain my thoughts and opinions, which you may or may not agree with, but nonetheless they are MY opinions. I know they are not nice or the most politically correct opinions, but they are MINE.

I also noticed that the 15K didn't feel quite as boast-worthy as the 10K, and it really had me look at why am I doing this...am I doing this to brag/boast or am I doing it for daily health. I think the initial brag was a good motivator, but I also think that when that wears off it is what separates the marathon (or even half) runners (or even walkers) from the fresh resolve makers (which I have been 100 times before).

Today on the Tyra Banks show (I usually can't stand her) they had several morbidly obese guests who were trying to convince Tyra they liked their morbid obesity. One thing a lady who had lost about 150 pounds said, was that there are no fat old people. I thought that was really the most profound statement of the whole show, and I thought, you know, today, thank God, I am on the graph away from that destiny rather than towards it. I used to think "skinny" or rather "healthy" people just had it handed to them, that it was easy, but the more I learn about others and myself, I am learning that being healthy is work...hard work, but that is probably also more at the root of why people view as a general statement healthy people as attractive. It seems to be that our subconscious knows that healthy people are hard workers. I know that those viewpoints would be slaughtered on any politically correct forum or even if I posted that on facebook, but you know what...this is MY blog. And today, I am grateful that *I* am on this journey in this direction. Because I have been on the other way on that graph for many, many years.

I'm working on trying to get my motivation intrinsically versus from others more these days, and I'm finding a lot about the difference between walking regularly versus training for a half marathon. From what began as a far off goal and one of those things I'd love to brag about some day to what has turned into a lifestyle and part of my daily health management, this journey has been not at all what I ever expected (or I probably would have started it sooner, which ironically would probably have made it not as impactful as it has been for me).

My sister and my father are considering doing the Half Marathon also, and I am super excited about that. The main decision I will be facing will be who to walk this with and what is best for me and my journey. I learned this weekend that I need conversation, but that it can slow me down. I also learned that walking alone is more, oh, what's the word...I want to say monotonous, but in a good way. I am charged by the energy of others, but in that same way, I can also be oh, easily un-charged by others, too. That has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else, it is 100% about me and my makeup....how I am made. I believe that the best method will be revealed to me through time, but I just need to keep showin' up.

Lesson for the day: I am charged and de-charged by people's energy around me, not good or bad about them, it just is the way it is; the more I face my disease head-on, the less I feel driven by it; enjoy the milestones; JUST SHOW UP!!!!

Time: 6:30a - 9:15a
Temp: 78 - 85 degrees, hot, clear skies
Distance: 9.3 miles/15K
Event: Heels and Hills Dollar a K - 15K (first ever)
Time: 2:48:20.2
Pace: 18:06/m
MPH: 3.31
Half estimate: 3h 57m